Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Time Travel Discovery!!

  Yes. Time travel. I came across this amazing phenomenon scientists,nutjobs and Michael J Fox have been in search of for years. The key does not lie in some worm hole in space, or anything like in the movie Donnie Darko. It has been at my finger tips for all these years. I have been practicing the science frequently, yet never executing the feat. On my travels across America last month, I discovered and channeled the powers of said "time travel". Here is my story:
  I will start of with mentioning my time traveling abilities only takes me into the future. You can't go back into the past. Idiot.


DATE: Friday April 15th - Saturday the 16th
END LOCATION: 4th Floor Conference room, Omni Hotel, Downtown Austin
METHOD: 3$ Vodka Redbulls, Yeager Bombs
EFFECTS: Vomiting, Confusion, Difficulty walking, Not reachable by cell phone during travel

  It was our third day of our road trip from Los Angeles. We had made a quick escape from Roswell, New Mexico in search of something actually interesting. We headed east with our new inflatable friend Carlos (an alien, I know some of you have sick stop it), making a couple stops along the way to satisfy our stomachs and cameras. Our trusty Hyundai blasted through the southwest and headed to the heart of Texas. The skyline of Austin finally was on the horizon after nearly 10 hours of navigating the single lane roads. All with the sight and aroma of smoke from the Texas fires blazing 30 miles north of us. Giant smiles inched up our faces as we approached the La Quinta, just blocks from the famed 6th street. A street welcoming its visitors with practically free drinks, live music, UT co-eds and minus all the annoying parts of Texas.
  We narrowly made the cutoff of 9pm for the local liquor store to grab some Vodka and energy drinks and headed back to the room to prepare for a Friday night of success. We freshened up, clogged toilets and took some practice drinks to prepare us, then headed out. The first location we hit was the Dizzy Rooster. This still remains the only bar name I recall in Austin. It instantly became my favorite within 10 minutes. This is where I discovered the Time Travel Fuel.
"Three vodka rebulls!" I yelled over the music and cramped crowd. Three well poured 12 oz glasses were pushed my way over the sticky tan colored bar.
          "Nine dollars" shouted the bartender.

  I handed her the $20 bill, and received my change. Then turned to my friends to show them my excitement measured in $11 of change. Shocked by the price, I placed down a generous tip....knowing this was the start to a great night. After the three of us exchanged rounds and rounds of drinks, I made a friend, had an extremely awkward and threatening handshake and we moved on across the street.
  While on our drunken quest, we were also pushing some product. My friend came strapped with 10 pairs of  his girlfriends invention and product known as "Pocketflops". ( Our goal was to find girls interested in the product, "educate" them on the product, have them take a picture and then let them have a pair. Overall a successful mission, and very easy ice-breaker. After more fuel at the following bar, I strayed away from the marketing project and inevitably my friends. The street containing all these bars closes to traffic, and boozing patrons pile off the curbs onto the pavement in a free for all. Amid all the chaos, i decided to initiate into "Time Travel Mode" at approximately 1:45am, Saturday April 16th.

5:39 am, Saturday April 16th.:
  A long rounded table with roughly 10 office chairs surrounding lay in front of me. A projector screen pulled down with a scrambled picture of white and black dots, similar to the scene of the TV in Poltergeist, sent bright lights through my body. Was this my time travel portal? Did I travel back in time to a classroom in Loyola? Was I dreaming? Why is there vomit in the corner by that 3 foot palm? Quickly I stumbled out of the room, finding it difficult to walk. Apparently time travel not only causes you to vomit, but also requires you to recirculate your blood to your legs in order to walk. Kinda like being in a coma and your muscles atrophy. I then plowed through the double doors and zombied through a long hallway. Nearly taking 20 minutes, I finally found an elevator, discovering I was on the 4th floor. Maybe I was back at my hotel? I was in room 427 at the La Quinta, and perhaps this was it. I don't recall La Quinta's having business conference rooms, but just maybe this one did. I have later noted in my discovery that it takes some time for logic to return to the brain once time travel has become complete. The next situation will provide further evidence for this claim.

  I took the elevator to the lobby floor. I walked out and to my surprise, an extremely luxurious lobby with an atrium and decor resembling something similar to the Rain Forrest Cafe. A stone path leading me through palm trees and ferns, with a tranquil river running under a half moon bridge that I walked across. Then all of a sudden, a voice called out.
"Sir? Can I help you?" 
  A man in some form of enforcement uniform cautiously approached me.
"Uhh, yeah. I need to figure out what room I'm in. This place is confusing." 
 "I'm in room 427. I think I lost my key, and my friends are asleep" I explained.
"Ok Sir, what is the name the room is under?"
  I gave her the name, and she quickly replied that the name was incorrect. She then said she would check for all the rooms under that name....
"Look. There is no one by that name checked in to the Omni Hotel sir. Do you know where you are right now?" she asked sarcastically.
 DING! A light finally went off.
"Well obviously I'm not at the freaking La Quinta, am I?"
   At that very moment I came down from the effects of time travel. Finally I was able to piece together some thoughts and recollection of where I needed to go. She politely rolled her eyes with a slight grin, pulled out a pink highlighter and a local map. She traced the path I needed to take to reach my actual hotel, and I was on my way.
  I walked outside to find darkness still laying on the city, but not for much longer. I followed her directions through the city, and after about 25 minutes of walking I finally reached my destination. The entire time walking back, I was preparing my furious speech directed towards my friends as to why they didn't search for me.  I called my friends, and finally I was home and let into our room.
"WHAT THE FUCK!?!? You guys ditched me?! You just left me!!! I'm wondering around the Omni, and you assholes are in bed?!!?" I screamed, waking up my other friend comfortably asleep.
"Chris, you idiot!! You left us. And we did try to find you...look at your phone you asshole!"
  I pulled out my phone, and noticed 27 missed calls, 14 texts message, and even a facebook request to pinpoint my location by "checking in" which I had become some obsessed with over the road trip. I felt like an ass.
"Ah shit. Sorry. Well, but..still!!! Why did you let me walk off?!"
 After 15 minutes of arguing that eventually turned to laughter, I went to sleep. We rested, woke up and had another great night in Austin. We arrived to a bar that we had yet to go to the night before. We walked in, and I was immediately hit with a vision and could describe the entire floor plan of the bar which was two stories.
"You guys, what are you talking about? We were just here yesterday" I assured them.
"Nope, never came here man" said my friends together.
"Hmm...well I was here for damn sure."
  They laughed and both commented on my insanity. I became even more puzzled as to what happened in my travels, and was just happy to be in one piece.

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