Wednesday, December 22, 2010

How to win a "Dance Off"

  There are some very important things we all must know when we enter a dance off. Since this is such a frequent event, at least for me, we all must be prepared and aware of our abilities and surroundings.
1. Know your competition.
- This isn't a war. It is a battle. Meaning you can pick your battles. You don't just get thrown into a mess of people "dance fighting". Generally in my case, you see some asshole dancing in a very serious manor. They are concentrating far too much on their appearance, who is watching them, and if they are impressing any females. If all are true, then they can be defeated! 
  Study their moves for about 3-5 minutes, or for at least 2 different songs. Make sure the songs are to different beats/styles. Their height, looks, and clothing all can be factors as well. In the end, make sure you are the more casual looking person, allowing room for the element of surprise!

2. Strength in Numbers

- Be sure to have a good crew! You need people on your side, no matter how terrible a dancer you are. Appearance is everything. Always make sure your group is balanced with men and women, and obviously more attractive women help. Typical patterns of a dance off has the group circling around the battlers. Your supporters must be fully in your corner, and your actual friends. Or people that find you amusing. Each move you execute must bring cheers, while only silence falls when your advisary attempts to defeat you.

3. Push-up move? 

This is not a move, douche.
- NO! NEVER! I hate this. I don't know when a push up has become a standard weapon in a dance arsenal, but it has no place here whatsoever. This move leads to a quick death. If you ever have an opponent commit this mistake, it is your job to take advantage. My personal move in this situation is to stand over the enemy, dance over his head, disrespecting and terminating them. This is your kill move (ie: Mortal Kombat - "FINISH HIM!")

4. Have more fun!

- This may be the most important point, yet I have it numbered 4. But that is besides the point. If you are having a better time then them, in the end you will always win. Don't take it so serious, and poke fun at the situation, yourself, and most importantly the other dude. Example: In my most recent victory, my unsuspecting enemy was wearing a bow tie. Now, I am not here to knock the bow tie at all, but his overall appearance was laughable. I simply walked up to him, adjusted his tie for him and directly engaged into a dancing kill mode. It's okay to be a little ridiculous and somewhat embarrassing. It calls attention to how much of a douche the other person actually is.

5. Engage during the right song.

- Make sure a good song is on. Know the song and its appropriate brakes and beats. Use this to your advantage. Best songs are as follows: 1. Poison - Bell Biv Devoe 2. Push It - Salt and Peppa 3. Tricky - Run DMC .......I like to stick to the classics.

6. Coordination

- Lets face it..if you aren't coordinated, you are screwed.

7. Tag team

- Always have a backup plan. Have someone who is willing to battle with/for you. Lean towards someone who can dance, and is on the more serious side when they do so. Preferably African American.

8. Lubrication

- I mean booze you sick freak. Make sure you have the correct amount of alcohol in you. Some of your moves could be painful, and you much rather feel it the next day. Remember, you want to look like you are having a good time and smiling. Also, I like to casually dribble a little water/booze on my dance floor. Controlled sliding can help improve your moves, channel your inner Michael Jackson moon walk, or Crypt Walk. Plus hopefully the other person will slip.

Okay, well I have shared with you all my helpful tips. If any of you have any others, please feel free to comment and share. It is time to challenge and execute.

Friday, December 3, 2010

I just want to checkout your fancy clubhouse.

Los Angeles Chapter Clubhouse
  Can you just walk into a Mormon temple? I haven't tried, but have become extremely curious. This conversation came up recently, and there was really no answer. From what I have heard, you just cant walk in there like a church. So I wonder how it is guarded? Is there a secret password that all members must know? Or maybe with all the tidings, you receive a years worth of tokens to enter? I'm sure there are very simple answers to these questions, but I am far more entertained of the notion that these temples are locked down tighter than a 19 year olds skirt. I cant imagine the doors are guarded 24 hours. I have a hunch there maybe some racial profiling taking place, but this has been a standard practice for centuries. I don't ever see special trinkets or odd looking jewelry worn by their members. So this leads me to my conclusion that there must be a secret handshake or chant they have. Kinda like a fraternity. I have seen many of these shrines, from San Diego to Los Angeles and even in Hawaii. They are all impressive, excessive, and offensive. I know in Utah they give restricted tours of the grounds, but it is very restricted. They say, 
 "When it is dedicated it becomes the house of the Lord, vested with a character so sacred that only members of the Church in good standing are permitted to enter. It is not a matter of secrecy. It is a matter of sanctity." - Gordon Hinkley (
"Closet Masturbaters"
 Hmm, I don't buy this. What if thats where they actually partake and indulge in all their naughty behavior. Like crazy soda drinking circles, dancing and masturbating. Yes, masturbation is against their beliefs. Here are tips on how to avoid such devilish and natural behaviors:

"1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom. 

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

4. After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

No mirrors in her home
5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to controll your thinking and overcome the temptation).

6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak."

   Pure gold! And apparently all Mormons are so good looking they just want to have sex with themselves. I couldn't make this up if I tried. So now I just imagine young Mormons circled around stacks of cash and Ouija Boards, fondling themselves...while showering in hot coffee and Mountain Dew. I know I am being ignorant and naive, but if anyone wants to join me on a "mission", and discover the mystery of the elaborate clubhouses in our cities, please let me know. I'm working on a sweet handshake combo.