I just want to checkout your fancy clubhouse.

Los Angeles Chapter Clubhouse

  Can you just walk into a Mormon temple? I haven't tried, but have become extremely curious. This conversation came up recently, and there was really no answer. From what I have heard, you just cant walk in there like a church. So I wonder how it is guarded? Is there a secret password that all members must know? Or maybe with all the tidings, you receive a years worth of tokens to enter? I'm sure there are very simple answers to these questions, but I am far more entertained of the notion that these temples are locked down tighter than a 19 year olds skirt. I cant imagine the doors are guarded 24 hours. I have a hunch there maybe some racial profiling taking place, but this has been a standard practice for centuries. I don't ever see special trinkets or odd looking jewelry worn by their members. So this leads me to my conclusion that there must be a secret handshake or chant they have. Kinda like a fraternity. I have seen many of these shrines, from San Diego to Los Angeles and even in Hawaii. They are all impressive, excessive, and offensive. I know in Utah they give restricted tours of the grounds, but it is very restricted. They say, 

 "When it is dedicated it becomes the house of the Lord, vested with a character so sacred that only members of the Church in good standing are permitted to enter. It is not a matter of secrecy. It is a matter of sanctity." - Gordon Hinkley (www.lightplanet.com)

"Closet Masturbaters"

 Hmm, I don't buy this. What if thats where they actually partake and indulge in all their naughty behavior. Like crazy soda drinking circles, dancing and masturbating. Yes, masturbation is against their beliefs. Here are tips on how to avoid such devilish and natural behaviors:


"1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom. 


2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

4. After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

No mirrors in her home

5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to controll your thinking and overcome the temptation).

6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak."

   Pure gold! And apparently all Mormons are so good looking they just want to have sex with themselves. I couldn't make this up if I tried. So now I just imagine young Mormons circled around stacks of cash and Ouija Boards, fondling themselves...while showering in hot coffee and Mountain Dew. I know I am being ignorant and naive, but if anyone wants to join me on a "mission", and discover the mystery of the elaborate clubhouses in our cities, please let me know. I'm working on a sweet handshake combo.