Friday, January 14, 2011

Blue Haired Drivers!!

Comments you have made while driving: 
"OHHH...MY...GOD!! Step on the gas!!! Damnit!"   or   "Look at this asshole! Slow down!...He is gonna really hurt someone. I hope he gets in a fatal crash!" Or something like that.
  The fact of the matter is, we all think we are driving the perfect speed. Whatever pace you are going is the only speed that is correct. People faster than you are crazy assholes, and people going slower are annoying. Now these are all facts, and feelings we all have.  We have even arrived to the point in our culture to where we can predict what the driver looks like, down to a science. I am pretty good at this. It's sort of like in the SAT's. If you don't know the answer, your best odds are picking "C". Well, in the driving world, "C" = Asian. Now stereotypes are bad, but unfortunately derived from truths. Yes, Asian's are terrible drivers. Now I'm sure some are good drivers, but pretty sure they were all used in the Fast and the Furious trilogy. And maybe have something to do with TRON and those stupid light bright bikes they are zipping around on.
Why not the peace sign?
  Women are deemed as bad drivers, however I don't really agree with this. Danica Patrick sucks and is not attractive, and she has nothing to do with why I disagree with the stereotype. I have been in the car with plenty of women that can drive just fine. There are some that scare the shit out of me, or are so timid behind the wheel that they start to break down and cry while trying to parallel park. But we all know that comes from some inner issue there.
  Men are aggressive, competitive, blah blah blah. Yeah, sometimes you just have to race, OKAY!? Thanks to my accident 8 months ago, I no longer have my sweet 300 horsepower Accord coupe, and have transitioned to the standard mom edition Accord. Sigh. Not taking too many people off the line anymore these days, but I guess its for the best. At least I just tell myself that.
  Teenagers are terrible drivers. Simply because they don't know how to drive and bump Kesha while doing their makeup all at the same time. But great multi taskers. They are able to drive to the high school football game, swig some Mike's Hard, text their bff about how they hope "that bitch" doesn't show up, and all while relaxing with their left foot resting on the driver side mirror. (Seriously, when I see people do this I hope they instantly get in a collision and split in half. Not only are you stupid, but you are gross. No one wants to see your busted toes airing off at 50 mph) The only problem with teens ability to multi task is they prioritize incorrectly. Typically driving their 98 Jetta or Tacoma is last on the list.
God Help Us!
  Now, getting to the bread and butter. My least favorite driver to see on the road. In reference to the Blue Hair title, I was not talking about confused kids dying their hair. I was talking about your Grandma, Abuela or whatever childish name you have for them. (Mum-mum) Every time I nearly bite the dust on the freeways or roads is because of some 70 plus driving their Buick Regal like a complete crash test dummy. How do we not have laws restricting these oldies taking to the road, thinking its 1935 at the county fair, and enjoying some pop while at the bumper car ride?? There are numerous stories of old timers plowing through crowds of people, like at the Santa Monica Farmers market. Driving the wrong way on off ramps and freeways, mistaking the brake for the gas pedal and killing poor Timmy at the ATM, etc etc etc. This is 2011, not the 1950's. Poor people and minorities even have cars and everyone is on the road. You have to be observant!        This really isn't meant to be amusing, but makes me extremely frustrated.
   I pose the question why we don't have some form of law or legislation that requires people over the age of 65 to retake a drive test every other year. And I realize that if it came up to having to vote on this, these are the only people that vote in this damn country, so it would probably never pass. So I leave this to all of you, lets keep Betty and Chester from getting behind the wheel and save some lives. Take away your grandparents keys to the Lincoln or Family Van. They most likely will refuse because they are stubborn assholes. If so, go disconnect the battery from the car. Offer to drive them to the grocery store, thrift shop, or early bird dinner special. It's a win win for everyone. Safer roads, quality time with your grandparents, and maybe they will add a couple extra things in the "Will" for you. Cha ching!


  1. I don't know why this clip is subtitled in arabic or whatever, but hilarious. You almost got em granny!

  2. danica patrick is not attractive ? you a faggot ? or blind you idot


    As I drove up the road, it was easy to see,
    The traffic was beginning to infuriate me.
    The driver in front, was a blue-haired old hag,
    Who drove at a pace to make all traffic drag.

    She peeked thru the steering wheel, because she’s so small.
    And drove with the speed of a car that has stalled.
    I mumbled and grumbled, “What the heck is wrong?
    Why can't she go faster? What is taking so long?”

    Like a herd of turtles stampeding, she drives.
    My blood pressure is rising. Will I ever survive?
    When we got to the corner, I attempted to pass,
    She tried to change lanes, so I sideswiped her ass.

    She peered over the door, tearfully looking my way.
    When I saw who she was, I was in total dismay!
    I sideswiped her car. Now I really feel bad.
    That blue-haired old hag … she married my dad.

    Oops! Sorry Mom!

    © September 2011 M. E. Satterfield