Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Zombies ate my UCLA girl!

  I have no war-zone in my backyard. No flimsy buildings to live in during massive earthquakes. My most likely unexpected end comes from a simple car accident. Not much of a real test of character and survival. In no way do I mean to offend anyone, this is just the nature of my topic. Sometimes I secretly wish for chaos, and I don't think I am alone. Maybe this only comes from being a sheltered and spoiled American? Believe me, I wish no harm on anyone, except maybe the Dallas Cowboys roster. All I ask for is a test of the human race. Morbid? Of course it is. But that's just the point.
Johnny Utah has nothing on me. RIP
  There are the typical doomsday scenarios. 2012 predictions, massive earthquakes, asteroids, nuclear meltdown, and the list goes on and on. However exciting the proposition of these may be, there is no real opponent. Being a regular Joe, you still have no test. You can't prevent or stop anything. If you live in Santa Monica and California suddenly falls into the Pacific..well..lets just say it. You're fucked. We can't predict when the 10.0 plus earthquake is going to happen. We can't help the military or NASA set a kamikaze asteroid of course. Or hell, at least make it land somewhere in the Pakistan. And most certainly won't surf 150 foot tidal waves like Patrick Swayze in Point Break. Great film. Even he dies though. If the world gets trigger happy and starts blasting nukes across the Atlantic, its just based on pure luck if you survive. There must be some skill, athleticism, and the down right thirst to keep living. The only problem, the best scenario includes a foe with an equally passionate thirst. The thirst for BRAINS!!!
  Yes, Zombies! Those who know me should not be surprised by this. I would say an Alien race paying a visit would be extremely intense, but they could have crazy weapons, rendering us hopeless. With flesh eaters roaming our cities, its an all out battle. A level playing field. Human versus human. Well, sort of. I am well versed in the Zombie through cinema and literature. Yet, who knows how I would handle myself if a mutated virus really did turn my neighbor into flesh craving asshole. Zombie or not, he still really sucks. I wouldn't be shocked if he starts this infection. His hours are strange and there is a pungent odor seeping through the bottom of his door. All clear signs. To what? I don't know. Regardless, hopefully he would be my first Zombie kill. A good one to pop my Zombie killing cherry.
  Seriously think about it. It has been brought out in all the typical zombie thrillers, but have you really thought about the seriousness of the issue?! Could you in the blink of an eye go from eating...err..well messing around with your girlfriend, to the next morning she is literally trying to eat your face off!! Terrible! I know. But thats the test of it all. One minute your friend or family member, the next a blood thirsty freak! Yeah, I can easily sit here and say I could shoot some crazed flesh eaters head off and spare my life. In actuality, I have only shot a firearm once, and apparently Nerf guns don't count. What if I am a lousy shot?! Remember you have to hit them in the head! And the thought of knives or anything with a large blade makes me cringe. Perhaps I am starting to realize I might be all talk. My "Zombie Survival Guide" may be rendered useless if I cannot execute a simple zombie slaying.
  I don't own a gun. Should I purchase one? What type? Are those militant nut-jobs with an arsenal large enough to supply a small army better off then me? I believe a class field trip to the shooting range is in order. No nerds, Modern Warfare on your PS3 will not help you. At least it lowers your amount of real friends, allowing you to not worry about others, since no one really cares about you. The larger the group you end up in, the more likely you are screwed. There is always the prick that will need to drop a number 2 when you are barricaded in a closet, or decides to lose their marbles at the most opportune time. With so much death and carnage around you, you may begin to question the value of life, and even your own. You get sloppy, lazy, and no longer see a reason to try. Next thing you know, your right arm becomes a zombie chicken wing. And he needs no BBQ sauce or Budweiser to wash you down. Yeah, I said it. Bud, no pussy Bud light.
You may prefer a Zombie
   Amidst my rambling, I will bring this to a close. The arena is set. You will be running, swimming, hiding, jumping and thinking. Non stop. The constant search for food, water and shelter will soon begin once the infection has spread. The need for weapons, followed by how you are actually going to be affective with a 5 inch butter knife. Then what do you have left? Who are you with and who remains? Are you with the ones you love, or do you now have a new family?
Cross your fingers, if you still have them!
     Hopefully you came across a group of ladies from the UCLA dance team, and not the Norwegian Women's Water polo front line just happening to be visiting for a tournament. Broad shoulders..woof! The true test of mankind. You finally make it. The zombies begin to starve and die. Can you take a bullet for the human race and procreate with Ulga? Our future rests in your loins! Go make some post World War Z babies!

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